Bent

There was a time when I loathed the fact that my hands were not as stiff as my father's and the actuality that I could not woo without limping a deceivingly harmless ball. But, as reality had it, loathing -- and concealing -- those seemingly bit-sized personal details only made my disillusions blurrier. The awkwardness of every moment hidden behind a crumbling put-on always felt like eons in front of a rowdy circus crowd. I had them amazed; but, most of the time, I felt like they were just snorting, secretly and loudly.

So, I decidedly left the carnival -- my self-made roller coaster. The crowd had enough one-sided, perverted entertainment and I had, too. I could not forever keep "pet peeve-ing" my arse.

Now, I think I am breathing more air -- light and overt air. Though I have never seen my shadows as unswerving as any man's ruler, my passageways can finally clearly breathe in -- and out. I don't mind anymore the mouths that babble and the eyes that gawk. After all, their cages are rusty and what they have are mere piths too trifling for substance.

Everyone has their own credo. Mine says I have never been incorrigible, only once deluded.

Thank You

For a quarter of a century, I had a dream.
For more than 4 years, I tried to pursue it.
For 6 months, I alternately persevered and retreated.
For more than a month, I attempted to be in my strongest and most persistent form.
On the last day of the exams -- that final second when I finally wrote the last punctuation mark on my booklet -- I succumbed at last. I whispered a prayer and surrendered everything to Him.

For another 6 months, I waited.

They say, the waiting part was the hardest. It really was. There were days when I thought that my dream was just etched in sleep -- in unconsciousness -- and could never be realized elsewhere. I was in limbo; I didn't know where to go or who I was supposed to be. I felt worthless, as if I was there just shiftlessly waiting for that dreaded word that had long been said.

But, now, the smog beneath my roads has finally settled and I can now see and breathe with no hesitation.

The word has finally been said; and it is "YES."

For a second, my dream has finally become real. I am no longer a dreamer. :)

A BIG THANK YOU...

to Mommy, Daddy, Lola & Lolo who have always believed in the beauty of my dream despite my countless downfalls, incurable childishness and juvenile behavior;

to my brothers & sisters who have always tolerated -- and understood -- my jungle-like ways;

to my friends/relatives who have given me a bed to sleep on when I was too drunk to face the sober world; who have shared with me gazillions glassful of alcohol when almost everything seemed too cruel for my taste; who have been my counselors, shrinks, ghost busters, companions-for-keeps; who have been there through thick and (overly) thin; who have been there and always will be -- no matter what;

to that special someone whom I have been with through some of the stormiest weathers and who has still managed to stay;

to everyone who has taken their time to be part of this triumph; and,

to GOD, I can never thank You enough -- You're the greatest. :D

Happiness -- though as evasive as the wind and as sulky as the clouds on a summer day -- does sometimes exist... and I am thankful I am happy.

FFD: Friends for Discharge

Just last night, I discovered that one of my Facebook 'friends' finally decided to 'un-friend' me. Only he (I'll call him *****) knew the exact fateful second when he clicked the x button beside my trembling profile picture in the 'edit friends' option that finally gave me the stranger boot. Ouch.

This is how it happened: it was past 11 and I was still restless. FB had to be the pacifier for the night. As I was typing a friend's name in the search box, ***** also appeared in the choices (since his name has chronological letters resembling the former's). Luckily(?), FB recently enhanced its search feature; thus, paving way for my not-so-landmark-discovery. I didn't know what came over me, but I clicked the thumbnail that led to his account -- and, viola, there appeared on top of his profile the 'add as friend' button. My jaw dropped. (Well, not really. Hehe.) How could I add him as a friend when he's a friend already -- or was?

Then, it all made sense. Okay, he had decided that our so-called friendship now belongs to the bygones bin. Too bad.

However, he wasn't really a 'friend' (of course, if we're after the ordinary definition of the term, not the social network-ish type); he just added me once upon a time for the sake of surveillance, for the lack of a better word. (We haven't met even once. It just happens that I am, say, deeply connected to one of his, uh, quests; hence, his curiosity. Go figure.) I was completely aware of such agenda, but I didn't care. I opted to feed his hunger for information. Apathy is empathy. Now, it is apparent that his espionage is over; thus, my place in his friends' list serves no other purpose, except maybe to remind him that in every list, there's one odd out. Or maybe the mere publication of my posts in his home wall or my humongous pa-cute profile pictures finally got the best of him. No sour grapes there -- or are there?

Social networks really are funny sometimes. They say, such networks are founded to bring people closer -- physically, romantically, or what-have-you. Nowadays though it seems the purpose clause of the social networks has expanded to include alienation or further estrangement of so-called friends, like what happened to ***** and yours truly.

In fact, it is already a bore if a social network denizen compares the number of his [social network] friends to one of his perceived more popular friend's own. (If he wins, the triumph only lasts for a good lonesome minute and only in that social sphere, if it may be appropriately called so, since in the real world, the latter really has more friends -- the moving ones, with no duplicates or pseudonyms -- and the former is just too conceited to admit such bummer fact.) Hence, to give one social network habitue's networking life and self-esteem a boost, spying on or lambasting co-Facebookers, for example, somewhat gives his morale its tap on the shoulder. It really is funny. Well, I, too, am guilty of these guilty pleasures.

Then, there's the segregation. Facebook ought to have notifications or wall posts which say, "***** removed you as a friend," or "You are no longer friends with *****. [Comment] [Like] [Share]" Hahaha.

Indeed, it is unfortunate that I and my former FB buddy have to end our FB experience on a sour note. But, hey, life -- and social networking -- go on. So, for you, reader (if there is!), if you haven't invited me to FB yet, find my profile (that's Martin General, thank you very much), click the 'add as friend' button and wait. Don't worry, I won't be clicking that x button beside your overly pa-cute profile picture. :)

"A feeling I never outgrew..."

I am reading between the lines...
and they are crooked.

Turbulence

Funny how the obvious becomes such only when it's already too late to make it so.
Funny how things seem when persistence paves way for reason.
And funny how the truth makes all a lie, all of a sudden.

Yoyo

you looked at the pillar.
then, the others.
i didn't move.
but my eyes did.

you gave me a wave.
then, another.
still, i didn't move.
still, my eyes did.

then... i did.
i did move.
one step. two. three.
i was running.

then you made a whisper.
i didn't hear you; you weren't shouting.
i needed you to tremble me.
to stop me... from running.

you whispered again.
my feet listened, but nothing else did.
i stopped running.
quickly. randomly. undecidedly.

why can't you raise your voice any higher?
now, my feet are moving again.
walking.
walking?

Reshuffling

I want to hug you so tight and tell you I hate you so.

I want to hit you and tell you how much -- how much -- I love you.